LivingTodayInThePresent

Flatline

A friend suggested that I write my tumultuous feelings down as a way of coping with the Shakespearean turn of the tragedy that was previously known as my "lovelife". But honestly, I can't seem to find the words in either way, in both scenarios, in this blog and what is now the current situation.

You see, I write really well and I write fantastic when gripped by unshakeable emotions. I've churned out poems and songs and blog posts that strangers would be compelled to comment on because they could relate to and are moved by the feelings in it but now... now, I am at a loss. I cannot find the words. For someone like me who makes a living out of writing, it's tantamount to a painter losing his hand or a preacher losing his faith.

My heart has flatlined even before it could be fully revived. I posted in my multiply blog how spring has started to thaw this frozen heart of mine and how, "even as you cut the flowers, there is no stopping spring." But now, it just hurts. Everything just (pardon the French but this is how emphatic I am) fucking hurts. Either way I go, it hurts. I am a train wreck with heavy casualties and I cannot even find the words to articulate the scope of this devastation.

I've asked myself so many times, "Why can't things just be simple?" but I find no answers, no comfort and for the last few days, no peace. Yes, my heart has flatlined but it's still beating, hooked up on tenuous life support that would in all possibility, be terminated this week. Sometimes, I feel like screaming for that person to just pull the life support and crush what's been left of my heart to nonexistence. And then... and then, maybe it would all stop hurting. Maybe I'd find better words than the ones I have right now. Maybe the words I've been trying to bury inside my heart would die along with it once the life support has been pulled. Maybe, in a strange way, it would melt my heart to stone and I'd finally stop feeling anything.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want to happen. All I know is that my heart feels as if its being skewered every single day, I feel as though I've lost my sunshine and that heavy clouds have been stealing my breath from me. I've lost my words--and most likely because my heart's been lost as well.

Fools In Love

Shakespeare could not have said it any better through Puck, his tongue in cheek character from "A Midsummer Night's Dream", "Lord, what fools we mortals be!" And indeed, only love can turn sane, logical and intelligent people into weepy, devastated blithering idiots. You can't learn love but you live it and you can't talk your way out of being in love no matter how good you are in public speaking or writing.

They say that intelligent people are the ones who are dumbest (and unluckiest) in love. After all, who needs a brain when a person falls in love? There is after all, "love at first sight" so logic rarely if ever plays a part in the phenomenon of falling in love. So in a way, simple people are lucky because they just "feel" it-- smart and complicated people on the other hand spend too much time nitpicking, analyzing, worrying and trying to comprehend whether or not they have indeed fallen in love (or had a mental breakdown).

My bestfriend, Gus and I describe ourselves as simple people with complicated thoughts so while we fall in love like the rest of the mortal race-- we also tend to overanalyze. We overcomplicate cut and dried matters because we don't want to be "fools in love". And more often then not, we end up being each other's movie date. *sobs*

So last Sunday, after a movie of non-stop action and booty shots (which was endless!)-- Gus and I discussed our views on love and how it changed since our college days. Back then, we were both hopeless romantics out to find the "ONE". The process was fairly easy but finding the prince among frogs was another story.

For Gus, he said that falling in love was much like a fish getting hooked. That no matter how much you wriggle, you can't escape it. So there you are, hanging on because of a bait and a hook that's cutting your mouth. You're bleeding badly but who cares? Because you have literally fallen for it hook, line and sinker. And then you get eaten or, you get coshed on the brain, disemboweled, marinated, fried and then eaten. Yum!

A friend of mine, Michiko went as far back as to describe what loving someone is. She described people's hearts as boxes of different sizes and because of the disparity in sizes, people get hurt expecting to get a box as big as the ones they have or give. Say for example, I have a box as big as 100% but unfortunately, the other person has a box as big as only 50%. In the end, no matter if he gives his all, a person with a smaller box can only give so much and not enough--not enough to even fill half of what the other person gave.

Right now, I see falling in love as abandoning your brain. Because whoever says he loves wisely is a fool twice over--because love can't be this perfect emotion where everything falls into place and love isn't something you can ration out or put on the shelf whenever you find it convenient. So I admit it, I am a fool in love no matter how much my head tries to deny, defy and obliterate every shard of this emotion. What makes me even more foolish and pathetic is that even though I try hard to erase this emotion, I still feel it and in the end, I'm fighting for something that was already given up. Tragic indeed but unfortunately, love isn't something I can't rewrite like my stories. I'm a fool in love with little hope of a recovery. Medic!!!!

“Until one morning, I’ll wake up and find I’m thinking about something else, and then I’ll know the worst is over. My heart might be bruised but it will recover and become capable of seeing the beauty of life once more. It happened before, it will happen again, I’m sure. When someone leaves, its because someone is about to arrive.” -Paulo Coelho, The Zahir

The Sweetest Honey is Love

I first heard about Honey and Clover from Animax, I wasn't really intruigued by it until I found myself watching its first episodes on Youtube. I'm currently watching Honey and Clover right now and it's actually got me hooked--I wasn't expecting it to be that good.

Hachimitsu to Clover (translated as Honey and Clover) centers around college life for a group of friends. It was advertised to be a love story yet the journey was a sentimental and realistic place where the characters become something more than mere animation.

I actually found it both complex and poetic, and I fell in love with it when I saw the line from one of the songs used in its soundtrack:

"Send the lost promises to the stars, my memories won't fade away."

And in episode 9, another line I found memorable was one said during the narration:

"The October breeze was cold and the rays of the low afternoon sun were bright white. The world, as if stopped, was stained with a silver hue."

The anime is ridden with background music, soundtracks and oddly enough, it works, because the mood for it was perfect since most characters seem to fumble around with words. I was a little confused in the beginning since the anime basically seemed to drop me in the middle of Takemoto's life and perspective and I found myself asking, "Where did the title, Honey & Clover come from?" And Animax did say it was a love story so I was kind of expecting swoon worthy moments and mushy dialogue and the tingly cliche plot where girl meets boy, *blush blush*, falls in love, friend gets in the way, confession, happy love, the end.

But Honey & Clover is very different from all romance anime--there are so many things left unsaid and it feels somewhat restrained that the viewer is all but bouncing off the walls to even just see one lousy romantic scene... but it's not there. There are "moments" beautiful and painful but it's so contained it leaves you wanting more, though it also leaves you oddly satisfied because of the beautiful dialogue and the gut-wrenching songs. Episode 8-10 were some of my favorites and the lines go straight to your gut,

"The sunset I see as I stand next to you is so beautiful that it aches my heart."

And that line was never said, as Takemoto Yuuta simply gazes at Hanamoto Hagumi who is tenderly touching a brooch given by Morita Shinobu.

The characters in this anime are all so human, riddled with flaws, unaware of feelings, and searching for things they don't even understand. All of them are art students trying to come to terms with new feelings and what is is to grow up and fall in love. And what's so good and enchanting about the anime is that they focus on what's not being said and the visuals seem to get more stunning as time goes by.

Honey and Clover won the 2003 Kodansha Manga Award and I'm not surprised because it's really that good. The dialogue/narration and the songs are simply wonderful and the characters are completely believable. It's far from a perfect love story or a giggly anime romance, there is unrequited love looming in every nook and cranny of the story. From Mayama's futile love for the badly hurt and scarred Rika to Takemoto's unspoken feelings for the artistic genius Hagu-chan who treats him like a friend, this anime is sure to not just gently tug but wrench your heart strings. There are 26 episodes and I heard that season 2 has 12--I will have to confirm on that later on since I'm just making my way through the anime.

Episode synopsis with character focus coming soon!

Honey & Clover is highly recommended for all poets, lovers, friends and dreamers out there! So excuse me while I watch the rest of it-- ja ne!

It's Complicated

Before I go off on my "It's Complicated" post, I would also like to invite everyone to check out this anime blog, here's the link: http://otakushrine.wordpress.com.  As you all know, I an extremely addicted to anime, more so now that I have so much free time on weekends that I get to go on straight anime marathons. I have also found a partner for this "otaku shrine"-- Michiko and we would just like to post that our blog is up and running, it's fairly new, not even 10 posts but we already have 500+ views! Pinoy otakus welcome! Ja matta ne!

-==+==-

I can't think of a good way to describe last weekend except as the infamous and very showbiz line, "It's complicated." And certainly it is.

I'm probably stressing over nothing, I'm probably also stressing over nothing to not think about anything, I'm probably stressing on what seems to be nothing but could be something, I'm probably stressing over something that I think is nothing but may turn out to be a completely new thing! See my train of thought? Totally whacked out!

I'm not even sure I can articulate the events happening and unfolding in my life-- every day is a surprise, a discovery, I really think I'm much stronger now in the aftermath of what could have been a 9/11 disaster only thing is, it happened on a much earlier date. I guess it's just disorienting that my life has taken several unpredictable turns, I'm not exactly happy about it, but what else can I do? I guess the neatly arranged years I've planned would have to fly out the window but as my friends say, "Be your own priority." And now I am. Of course, I still get occasionally choked up when I think about the past but I'm trying to put it where it should be-- in the past. After all, I did get kicked to the curb over work.

Right now--I'm pretty much okay, I did tell my parents about it, I had time to grieve over choices made and yes, I finally did accept the fact that there are just some things I can't change. Whatever power I have is the fact that I can just change myself.

So this "it's complicated" line, I gladly welcome it. It's a nice distraction while I pick up the pieces and hopefully, move on. So hooray for friends, anime and DC graphic novels!

Blogbites: Like Death Warmed Over

Blogbite 1: I woke up this morning, feeling much like death warmed over. My puson hurt terribly, I can barely stand, my eyes insisted on remaining shut--and it struck me, DANG! It's another cycle of unbearable torture for seven days! Is there a pill I can take somewhere that would turn me into a man?

Blogbite 2: Had a horrible class in Persons and Family Relations yesterday, everybody seemed to be unprepared and that of course included me. I could really sense the professor's disappointment and the whole class was as silent like death.

Blogbite 3: It turned out that one of professors last Tuesday had planned the administer an exam that day-- only to find that only 3 students were present in her class-- excluding me.  Also, I have a graded recitation this afternoon in Criminal Law, Articles 15-20 none of which I've even read. OMG! I'm a dead woman walking!

Blogbite 4: The anime pic above is my current desktop screensaver-- it's from CLAMP's Tokyo Babylon, it was the scene where Seishirou killed Hokuto--the twin sister of the man he loves in order to fulfill a promise made under the Sakura tree. The whole story is quite tragic, in fact, Hokuto merely acted as the double in order to save her twin brother from death at the hands of his lover and in her death see placed a mirror spell wherein whatever harm Seishirou does to Subaru will reflect back at him. This picture is entitled, "Death and Destiny".

Blogbites: Clarity

Blogbite 1: Nearing the end of a straight four (4) hour lecture, no restroom breaks or food breaks-- my cell phone died, my eyes watered from the strain, my stomach began protesting its status and my rear end went numb. All in all though, in that organ-failing, brain-numbing experience, I really learned a lot. Seriously. It was review for the Bar Ops so some of us (freshmen) got the chance to sit in and see future subjects under Civil Law. While it was pretty much a blur in the beginning, intestate succesions, oppositors, wills, legitimes, etc... clarity dawned subsequently. I'm not a huge fan of Civil Law, I much preferred the complexities of Criminal Law but last night, it finally seemed like an interesting puzzle. One that I look forward to in the following days.

Blogbite 2: Due to the emotional upheaval I experienced these past few days, I really was given the chance to see and once again, deeply appreciate the fatc that I have the most wonderful friends in the whole world. Sunday, my besty despite being tired from work offered his unequivocal and unconditional support; Monday, after reading my status message "In tears", a very good friend of mine from my previous office Hinge Inquirer Publications (and my editor as well) went immediately to my office in Enterprise Center to talk to me and treat me to lunch. Officemates in Health Care Corporation of America also counselled and cheered me up all through the day. Tuesday, my college "mommy" texted me and asked how I was doing and in no time, I told her and she immediately offered to meet me up for a bonding session anytime and anywhere despite the fact that she lives in San Mateo, Rizal. When I told her of my school schedule, she offered a weekend and even mobilized the rest of the barkada about my current dilemma. Wednesday, my schoolmates in PCU, upon finally getting the facts from me formed a text brigade that offered support and encouragement to me through the night. I am truly blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. Thank God for good karma!

Blogbite 3: Do you believe in karma? I do, it's just because there are certain things in life you get punished for and rewarded for. Take for example, if I missed to pray the rosary before I go to sleep, more often than not, I would run late for work because of aggravating circumstances (e.g. jeep stalled, the bus got stopped by traffic aide, etc). Also, because I treat people with the same courtesy I want to be given me and I go out of my way to be nice to everybody, I feel as though I'm always secure and lucky in life. For some, karma might be metaphysical crap but to me, it's a nice outlook in life, "You get what you give," and if you treat people like crap more or less, you get treated like camel dung. But if you treat everybody with respect and with justice, you are given the same courtesy. Boy do I love karma!

Blogbite 4: I got a new extremely short haircut, I look like a cross between tomboyish Akane Tendo of Ranma 1/2 (observation courtesy of my blockmate Archimedes) and the bubbly yet tragic Hokuto Sumeragi from Tokyo Babylon. Bwahahahaha! ^_^

Rewards

As much as I love gaming and writing, I can only manage to sneak some of it in between my mental breaks during work and school. For me, both gaming and writing are cathartic, whenever I feel stressed or frustrated, I usually run to the nearest Timezone for Time Crisis or House of the Dead 4 OR I write in my blog. These two things have been the only things that kept me sane these last two months.

Moving on though, I recently had an article published in GAME! Magaine, the newest and hottest PINOY gaming magazine. It's in the June-July issue where we also featured Ragnarok (if memory serves me right that is). I wrote an article about Ran Online. It's another MMORPG game that hit the Philippine market with its amazing style. As you all probably know, I am a HUGE anime fan--and Ran's campus style world hooked me in. I actually have this insane obsession with Japanese schoolgirl outfits and with Ran I get to fulfill that latent ambition-- well, at least in cyberspace.

The editorial assistant of that magazine, my sis, Michiko sent me an email which I just read this morning after a couple of days. One of the readers saw fit to mention my name out of the many professional and more hardcore gamers who wrote in the magazine and yes, I'm very flattered. Here it is:

"hi GAMErs.. im happy that you include ran online in ur reviews but I think that its for newbies guide only..kung pwede po sana sa next ish nio meron na rin yung sa episode 2 ..kasi im not a newbie in this game,but i dont have any background about the episode na lalabas this september..sana po yun yung malagay sa 4th ish nio..thanz din kay Ms. Joan Carla Guevarra ..sana po xia p din ung gumwa sa next..keep up the good work..nicely done GAME..!! josh atienza ^_^ "

There's a big grin on my face right now--I mean, wow, he actually wrote down my whole name. Hehehe. You know for me, there's no better reward than having readers enjoy what I write. It's so much better than any cash or check. ^_^

So do check our GAME Magazine, I have an article in the June-July issue and I have another article in the next issue. WAI! ^_^

Knights In Shining Armor

I was home alone last Wednesday evening. Originally, I thought it would be the perfect time to review for my Criminal Law midterms because of the peace and quiet of having the house all to myself. But no thanks to Gus and his scary elevator story, my imagination began working in overdrive... and in no time at all, I managed to scare myself silly inside my own home.

My parents and my brother went to an uncle's wake and let me just tell you that I'm not that big of a scaredy cat. I love watching Asian horror movie with Gus, and I'm usually the type who's perfectly content to stay home alone. But somehow that night, even as I tried hard to focus on studying, every other minute or so, I would give a start every sound I heard. Every sound got magnified into something scary and ominous. Each rustling noise had me thinking of burglars or ghosts, I was slowly and illogically driving myself nuts with fright!

I tried to reason with my hyperactive mind that the front door was locked so I'm perfectly safe but then again, my mind screamed back at me, "The gate is not locked you dimwit, what do you mean safe?!" I tried to read, I tried to watch TV, I turned on the radio, I locked myself in my roombut it seemed to me that there was something ominous about to happen. I tried talking myself out of paranoia but unfortunately my mind's gotten ahead of my sensibilities, it was already imagining all sorts of scenarios, my heart was palpitating and worse, I can hear the music of psycho playing in my head!

I contemplated calling my parents to tell them to come home early but since it was family duty, it seemed trivial of me to demand that they go home immediately to assure my paranoia. I only had one option left or more likely one option with three choices.So swallowing my pride, I desperately sent an SOS text message to three beings whom I fervently hoped were kindhearted and interesting to drive me to distraction. And guess what, all three of them heeded my call. ^_^

Note: Due to the fact that one of the people mentioned in this blog is quite a personality, I deemed it best to abridge this version of Knights in Shiny Armor because of friendster's very public blog and post a more comprensive one in my wordpress blog. I do have shame you know. ^_~

Vince my boyfriend was first to heed my call. It was 9:30 in the evening and though he was still hard at work at finishing his program, he texted me and called me at my landline a few minutes later. He told me he was going to put me on speaker phone because he still had to focus on his work and ordered that I immediately inform him if anything alarming would come up.

While we were talking, a text message came through. It was from a light that has never been lit. Subsequently, a very good friend of mine also called up on my cellphone asking if I was okay. It was a very nice gesture at first until that friend began to talk about having been gifted with a similarly overactive imagination and about how it feels and what's inside houses, nearly hysterical I hung up on that friend.

Throughout the long night, Vince and my other knight in shining armor kept me company-- in totally different ways. One through speakerphone and the other through patient texting. Silent and unseen, they still both managed to provide the feeling of security I seemed to have misplaced that night.

You know I always thought that it was always up to me to take care of myself until I realized that night that sometimes, it's okay to be scared as long as you have knights in shining armor to protect you from the real or imagined monsters. 

Blogbites: Bursts

From now on, short snippets of information or writing within my blog will be deemed blogbites. ^_^

Blogbite 1. I got the second highest score in our Civil Law midterms! Hurray! And here I was, freaking out over the three mistakes I counted in my head... but then again, I got a really good leak that told me our professor actually praised me for my English and said I was pretty good. Hallelujah! I'm bursting with joy!

Blogbite 2. I'm falling in love... with a wordpress blog. Catch my newly improved blog at http://wordpress.com. It's so cool with links and the photo blogging system, I can basically do everything I want with it. It's super new, only 5 or so posts but my anime archive is also there... plus, I'm collaborating with a good friend on setting up a major anime blog. Wait and see. Hehehe. I'm bursting with the excitement of possibilities.

Blogbite 3. Good friends are such a blessing. This is just a rewind of Gus and me hanging out over the weekend. We were both bummed out by the circumstances of life and it was such a pleasure reconnecting again last Sunday. We watched the movie "Wolf Creek" which we thought was a screamfest... unfortunately, it just made us scream in frustration. But the highlight of the evening was our arcade marathon. We actually finished "House of the Dead 4"! And it was a blast! It was nice remembering what great teamwork we had and though we had calluses to remember that game by, it was worth it.

Just Click

I saw Adam Sandler's movie "Click" last weekend and I totally identified myself with his character, the hard-working, persecuted and harrassed Micheal Newman. I must be turning into a mental case if I identified myself an Adam Sandler character but its true! Adam's character was an ordinary joe who got blessed with a wonderful family but a lousy paycheck.

Out of all of his movies, CLICK definitely had the most heart and it's almost a simple story about a middle-class guy, hoping and dreaming of making it big in work for the sake of his family. But the crux is, when Micheal chose to pursue his career when he went fast forward, he was put on auto pilot where all his choices were for the good of his job and not for his family. His family life suffered as a consequence of his rise to success.

The message of the story was very touching, it examined the choices one has to make in life and I admit I shed a few tears on the last few scenes. "CLICK" is definitely the perfect movie for workaholics and "toxic" people out there.

Lately, I've also been wishing I had a universal remote to just not deal with the mess and stress I'm facing right and that I could just fast forward to the time when things are nice and peachy. I've been daydreaming about fast forwarding to four years from now, that I'm a lawyer, that I'm geeting married and that I'm fast on my way to becoming a legal eagle. But life as it is, there is no fast track to success. Blood, sweat and tears pave the way to the sweetest of life's truimphs.

People usually never need to ask my motivations behind taking law-- as I recall, most male friends call me a "female activist" and I've always been the first to head causes and issues that I feel are unfair or unjust. To most people who know me, my taking up law was a natural progression that needed no further explanation.

But I distinctly remember the scholarship screening, how 40-plus people got grilled by a panel of law school deans and luminaries on their reasons for pursuing law. I remember being asked to recite the preamble--with disastruous results. And I also remember one of the panelists, a rather tough looking oldtimer asking, "So why did you take up law? For money? For the title?" He seemed very skeptical of my motives, I mean, here I am, a young lady who looks too good-natured and delicate, fighting for a chance at the scholarship. He literally dissected me on sight and obviously found me unable to fit the mold of what should be a law student.

And I just said, "I just want to make a difference."

It sounds stupidly idealistic and laughably trite I know--- but that's my motivation for studying law. Right now, my mother and Vince is trying hard to side-track my one-track mind from pursuing a law career in the government. But I don't really care about the money coporate law is going to bring and while I'm considering private law/prosecutor, I just want to be like my favorite attorney Katrina Legarda. I remember watching the Jalosjos case and going, "Wow, that's the woman I want to be when I grow up."

And I have grown up and this passion to be this great woman who served to defend and help the oppressed female victims has not faded one bit. Everyday, my determination to bring about change, even in the smallest ways grows stronger and more vibrant. I want to be the woman who'd stand up for those who've been weighed down by abuse.

Right now, my path though isn't the easiest. While thanks to my scholarship I get to pursue my vision, the other distractions are KILLING me. 9 hours of work in the office, school at night, the hazards of public transportation--- I go through these every single day just to reach my dream. Like Adam Sandler's character-- I just want to get things over and done with, be on auto-pilot so i wouldn't have to suffer through small but stressful emotional nuances. I sometimes just want to fast forward to four years from now--- but then again, I realized... I wouldn't be the woman I want to be if I didn't go through such difficult times.

So note to self: just click back to your motivations and forget those annoying distractions. Your time and energy is best spent on following your dreams.

*Adversity builds character.*

The Bratty Girl

Check out my blog in http://aperfectlycrazedlife.blogspot.com for full details.

You know what, I'm actually starting to feel empowered taking on the persona of a "bratty girl". It's actually the first time anyone's ever called me that and its liberating to finally acknowledge the brat within. Hello world, meet the bratty side of Joan!

I've often been referred to as the nerd, the geek, the walking dictionary, the ice queen, and the NR (no reaction) kind of girl. Its just not in me to be high brow or delicate but I guess because of the way I look, I've often been misinterpreted to be mataray. But (smart) people upon getting to know me find out that I'm terribly cowboy, I'm surprisingly kuripot, and not the least bit of a prima donna or a major bitch. An officemate even told me recently, "How can you be a good lawyer? You're so smiley faced and you should at least be a bitch para mas madefend mo clients mo!"

But now-- I'm having an attitude overhaul. I'm often perceived to be the good girl, "the working scholar" type, the one who never fights back, but now that I'm taking a page off of my bestfriend's life, I finally welcome it, beware the bratty girl-- I always bite back! ^_^

The Sweet Lucidity of Stolen Time

I never realized how precious 50 minutes could be.

Yesterday wasn't a very good day for me, I had the worst time commuting, I ran late because I missed the LRT by 5 secs, I studied really hard for a graded recitation in Criminal Law but I didn't get called, I had to spend all my money on 200+ pages of xeroxed cases and plus my bus seatmate on my way home was a total skank.

It was a pretty dismal day and it probably would have been the worst when a text mesage woke me up at midnight.

“M hme n hun rng my fone wn u wke up hatd kta ofc"

Because unless my eyes were deceiving me, at 12:30 midnight, my usually sweetly oblivious boyfriend is actually telling me he'll be driving me to work!

Other people who probably say, "What's the fuss? Don't boyfriends usually do that?" Well, our relationship routine is very different from the norm, he doesn't usually drive me to work or pick me up from school, he doesn't always text or call me at home or at work, he doesn't give me flowers, i pick up the tab every now and then-- he's the ultimate nontraditional boyfriend.

Clearly, those I mentioned are products of effort but I actually didn't really mind their absence because deep-down, I knew that those are just ordinary trappings. A guy could give a girl flowers every day but its truly not an actual indication of a man's sincerity. Vince could be pretty boneheaded at times, he's completely oblivious and he wouldn't have a clue unless you fill him in on the details-- twice. But I'm actually coming to grips with his kakuripotan, kamanhidan, and his inherent lack of initiative and romance.

Right now, in the middle of all the craziness going on in both our lives, his with his work and upcoming certification and mine with school and my job, it's easy to see that there's a chance we'll drift apart or that one of us will get frustrated at the hecticness of our lives. The fact that he's completely complacent is also a deep concern of mine-- until this weekend when I got that message.

I realized then that he's making an effort to keep our relationship going. My uber relaxed boyfriend is finally going the extra mile and although that extra mile is often cut short by the restraints of our schedule, every single minute is priceless. This weekend of stolen time, a quick breakfast, a hurried lunch, driving me to school, taking me to work-- I realized that this is all I need to know that he loves me.

Close Call

I've always considered myself to be a fearless road warrior. Commuting has never been a issue for me, in fact, I often prefer the use of public transportation to being picked up or getting a ride from my dad or Vince. I never have felt any anxiety climbing aboard a jeep or riding a bus, even late at night. That used to be the case, until last week.

A lot of people have remarked how unladylike it is to be so into commuting but I actually liked it. I liked being able to save money, the feeling that you're not reliant on somebody else to get you to where you want to go and I loved the quiet time I have with myself whenever I commute. Sure there are down times, the annoying 101.1 station where most buses and jeeps seemed to be tuned into, the occasional "manyak", the nauseating PDA of young couples, the crowd-- but otherwise, whenever I commute, I feel powerful. I felt in charge of my detiny(ation). ^_^

But my usual bravado failed me last week and to this day, I am terrified of riding in a jeepney. More specifically, I am terrified of riding in a Manila jeepney. I am terrified of going to school and going home from school if I commute. Here's the reason why:

Joseph, my classmate got held up last Sunday. The thing is, we would usually go home together since we both go the same way. We would ride jeepneys fearlessly in Manila and we would sometimes be going home at 8:30 or at 9PM. Last Sunday, we had a make-up class for Constitutional Law from 9AM to 12PM. That day, I didn't commute at all because Vince and I had breakfast and lunch together so he picked me up.

When I came to class the next day, Joseph told me he got held up right after he left from school. At 1:30PM in the afternoon--in broad daylight, and the worse thing is, there were 13 other people who got deprived of their possessions in the same jeepney.

It was an armed robbery by a what is already considered a band. Three men, one carrying a knife, the other a gun and the other is the collector. It was raining heavily that day so the jeep's blinds were down. Those 14 people gave up their wallets and cell phones without a fight but what made the whole thing even more despicable is that the robbers, apparently not satisfied with the booty they got, they proceeded to molest the women passengers. They kissed the women on the lips and mashed their breasts. Suprisingly, when the ordeal was done, it was only Joseph who came to the police station to report it.

That incident was rooted in my mind but it didn't exactly deter me from my usual habit of commuting fearlessly even though its late at night.

But just last Thursday after class, Joseph and I decided to board an empty jeep. The jeep barely moved an inch when three strange men suddenly started to board the jeep. Joseph was paying our fare but even when I saw their faces, a paralyzing fear gripped me. I felt so terrified for no other reason but the sight of them. What made the fear worse was when one of them leaned down and a swiss knife fell from his bag.

So I began talking in a very loud voice, "Joseph, baba tayo bilis, naiwan ko book ko sa library, bilis baba na tayo!" It was all I can do to keep myself from jumping out of the jeep. Joseph looked at me and I began insisting we go down without even bothering to reclaim what we paid. Surprisingly, he went down with me. The first person I saw when I got down was Ms. Chona and I was talking much too loudly, saying that I left my book and had to go back to school, yadda yadda-- I just didn't want those men to become suspicious of why we suddenly went down we they boarded.

We walked away and when we were at a goodly distance, Joseph whispered, "Jo, sila yung nang-hold-up sakin!"

Now I don't know if it was Divine Intervention, woman's instinct, or a guardian angel that made me feel that overwhelming sense of danger but I'm so glad it did. It might have saved my life. I have good reason to believe the jeepney driver was in on it. And I'm sure those men wouldn't be just satisfied with a mere kiss since its already late and Joseph and I were the only two passengers. It definitely would have been a lot worse.

Now, I feel so helpless and powerless. That close call made me realize what I dangerous world we live in after all. And now, I don't feel safe. Commuters out there, read this and take this as a lesson, don't be too overconfident of your security. I was just extremely lucky that I had that "feeling" and I paid attention to it. But now, my courage has come undone.

Log-rolling

Warning: As the title precludes, this post contains several issues under one title. This writer will not be liable for feelings of disorientation or dizziness.

Art. 1. Pride and prejudice. While I admit that studying law is clearly no piece of cake, I was crazily arrogant enough to believe that my underweight (my medical exam result is testimony to that! *sobs*) body could actually handle handling office hours added to my school time. Hmmm, is it the straightjacket for me then? Well, my new employer, Health Care Corporation of America initially had me lined up as a recruitment specialist, the offer still stands though but if I wanted to have a more relaxed work load (and not go insane while I’m at it), I had to take a more secretarial role in the office. Officially, I have no title, I am mixed breed in this company, performing duties of a telephone operator, a check releaser, a part-time writer/editor, receptionist and customer service.  It's a crazy feeling not being in the limelight and being one of the “drones”. While everything and everyone is so nice and peachy, I guess it’s just me who’s still stuck in the middle, having a hard time swallowing my pride. Water please!

Art. 2. Study habits and old friends. Believe it or not, I am actually studying. Studying as in reading notes and assignments before class, making notes, reviewing cases and articles, going to the law library every available moment I have. Yup, the diva of crash cramming and dubious study habits is indeed, studying. Almost another version of The Gods Must Be Crazy and my friends are busting their guts laughing over this “personal transition”. But the good thing about all the craziness going on in my life, that even though I lost my intimate relationship with the animax channel (*hysterical wailing*) I seem to have reconnected with a lot of old friends. Because my work is really light (brain-numbingly light), I’ve gotten the chance to chat with friends online plus I’ve also been hanging out a lot with buddies because Vince is really and horribly and terminally busy with work these days.

Art. 3. What’s that again about absence and growing fonder? Blame it on communication breakdown, inattentiveness, insensitivity and work-induced stress but Vince and I have the last few times we’ve been together. While we managed to get things in order just last week, another bramble thorn bush gets thrown in our relationship. His project is wrapping up and with that, he has to spend his hours, from

9AM-11PM

in the office from Monday and even Sunday.  Talk about rotten luck! The heavens must be conspiring against us or, somebody is praying really hard for the two of us to break up. But being the “never give-up” person that I am, I proposed that the two of us take a leave from work on Monday to catch up and spend time together. And here’s what he said, “Sige, okay Monday—tamang-tama, libre na ko ulit on September!” ARGH!

If Lightning Strikes

I've been thinking about this quote lately and its something that two of my good friends have been drumming into my brain on separate occasions," If its not crazy, passionate love, then what's the point?" Mind you, these two people barely know each other yet the fact that both they're saying the same thing has got to mean something. And it got me thinking, what is the point indeed for two individuals to stay together in a relationship?

Could the point be the "Thunder-and-lightning-with-earthquakes- you're-so-hot-you-blow-my-mind" kind of love?

Or maybe it’s the "I-am-so-insane-about-you-I-need-you-in-my-life-24/7" type?

Then again, the relationship could be based on the atypical "I-can't-imagine-being-with-anyone-else-but-you (because you're simple and conservative)" kind of love.

Well, for whatever reasons people have for being in a committed relationship, in one way or another the facts I've stated above reflect that. The definitions I've enumerated in order being chocolate (passion), nutty banana (need) and vanilla (commitment) hold true as motivations for most people in maintaining their relationships. I definitely know why I’ve been unable to get pass that quote so this article is a form therapy for myself. But how about you, what's your flavor?

Some people think its love when there's this crazy, animal passion and overflowing electricity between them. That oftentimes, what they feel is just too big for words and that only the blaze of intimacy can eclipse it. And believe me, I have read a battalion of romance novels (and listened to my well-meaning friends), to get me thinking, "Gee, isn't that kind of fire the only way to love?" But then again, this grand passion could mean throwing everything to fate or surrendering ( to your partner) completely and physically, well-- touching each other would like spontaneous combustion. Pardon me for the utter cheesiness but to me it seems a lot like aiming for the sun even as it blinds you and kills you with the heat of its intensity.

Occasionally and especially after reading a Nora Roberts novel, I find myself wistful of how an experience like that could be. Hot of course, exciting and unpredictable. Though unfortunately, if my life was indeed like a book then I could have sworn my character has just taken a vow of chastity and got locked in a nunnery. Where is a white knight when you need one? And yes, he doesn't need to be all that chivalrous.

And that brings me to the other type of love, the nutty banana kind. Now this kind of love is what I see as a relationship founded on need. (See white knight and rescuing above) Then again, this is also the type of love wherein people who are the walking wounded, the lonely find each other and complete whatever blank spaces they have left. This is also the love where people always go the extra mile and beyond just to just see their partner or make her happy. I'm talking about people who would commute from San Juan to Cavite with only a hundred pesos in their pocket and people who would defy their family, change their lifestyle, and worse, compromise everything-- just to be by the side of their "reason for living". Sheesh! Talk about effort and linear-mindedness! This kind of love would have been ideal if it wasn't for the fact that it's obsessive and needy. Aww nuts! Anyway, moving on...

Now the last kind is the plain vanilla kind of love. No sparks, a once in a blue moon heat wave and it's best described as steady. It's the kind of relationship that is so fixed; the two of you are practically like an old married couple! The chaste peck on the lips, the "I'm home na routine", the dinner and movie date once a week... it's a cycle of predictability. In this kind of relationship, you need not worry about getting pregnant because any and all physical intimacy is saved for "marriage" and there is no chemistry or interest to begin with! It's a meeting of minds and of values.  The relationship was not founded on attraction or lust, it was built because of mutuality sometimes often appearing as though the couple is together for the sake of commitment. Now this kind of relationship I find horribly and incredibly sad. But then again, someone told me that sometimes love is what's left after all the sparks and the crazy have faded. That this is what's real because it's abiding, it's constant and it's not dependent on external factors. Someone told me that it's not always fireworks and that that people you count on sometimes fail to make the effort but what's felt inside never changes. I guess now I find myself thinking, "When all the years have passed and times have changed, when you reminisce the past which would make you smile more, a fiery finish, an unfilled ache or an unchanging pace?"

"I know it's a cornball thing but love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? I say fall head over heels. Find someone you love like crazy and who will love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because the truth is, there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love-- well, you haven't lived life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived. Stay open. Who knows? Lightning could strike." - Meet Joe Black

It’s always great to know you have a choice.

Paradise Three Days

I've never denied I was a cynic. In fact, I'm the type of person who'd be expecting the worse when it comes to summer vacations. This is a pretty late post but with all the happenings in my life, the timing seems to be just right since it's great remembering paradise. And I found it in three days.

So while ordinarily, paradise for me is a state of mind (i.e. being surrounded by heaps of Nora Roberts books or a BLEACH or Gakuen Alice or Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle DVD marathon with kettle corn and mountain dew), stepping onto the powder white sand of El Nido made me change my mind. Big time. Here is paradise in all it's glory. But what elevated it all the more is my temporary freedom. I'm spending three whole days in Palawan without my parents. But of course, I will be spending it with Vince...and yes, his entire family with his cousins. I was a little nervous of making wrong moves which would make his family hate me. I am bunking in with his two sisters and I'm a very transparent person who could say anything and everything especially when I mean it. So what happened next?

First day, May 28. After a buffet lunch where I was only able to appreciate the spaghetti and meatballs, we went snorkeling. Let me first mention it was high noon and it was my first time to snorkel. But it went so smoothly. I spent most of my time with his mom and his sisters and his female cousins. Vince disappeared but I didn't really mind. I discovered a whole new world under water. I saw Nemo (clown fish), zebra fish, parrot fish, starfish, jack fish (they are bloody huge! like a dog!), sword fish and all kinds of sea life. Tita told me that the sea horse was also under but since water kept rushing into my mask, I wasn't able to see it. Before the day ended, Vince and I kayaked to a nearby island where I grabbed shells. We also went to a very corally (I am making this word up) beach where there're no fishes, just clear, clear water. Dinner was again buffet and it had everything I could ever want. Was out cold by 9PM.

Second Day, May 29. Woke up at 6AM for a dawn fishing raid. I am not a morning person. Was feeling grumpy when Vince kept bugging me about taking pictures which I felt were unecessary given its 6 in the morning. And then we headed out to the open sea with the mists of morning still hoveing above the ocean. I also had my doubts about catching any fish. And Vince's mom kept pulling one out of the other from the sea. But I was able to catch a fish, with Vince doing all the pulling. I felt a little sorry for the fish but hey, only me, Tita, Peaches and Angelo caught fish. Thank goodness for beginners' luck! Afterwards we all went back for a leisurely breakfast. We tried a little scuba-diving but since Vince was a certified diver he had to go off on his own. Scuba diving is scary, the pressure in your ears is insane especially when I was already twenty feet deep into the ocean! I don't think scuba diving is for me. Breathing in and out through the oxygen with huge bubbles streaming out is not my thing. But snorkeling is definitely my cup of tea. After lunch we went to the big lagoon. Since Vince was off exploring the underwater world of Palawan, I partnered with his sister Mika. Peach kayaked on her own and she was amazing! She even kayaked back to the resort. My arms were killing me and I even had a partner! It made me work up a huge appetite! Dinner however, was in the moonlight. The pasta was amazing and the ribs were great but it rained a little so we all ran back to the tarp. There was a cultural presentation which I didn't finish because I was so tired. It was once again an early night for me. By the way, have I mentioned I have already tanned so much? I never spent a minute indoors in the entire time I was there. I was fast becoming a bronzed goddess. (Hahaha!)

Third day, May 30. We were all so tired from yesterday's activities we overslept. We practically had to be dragged from our warm comfortable beds. We went island hopping in the morning to snorkel in a different spot. Finally, I get to be with Vince in the same activity! While we were having fun, we came over to a group of coral reefs and we started itching like hell. We were getting stung by something we couldn't see! We swam like crazy because it was probably baby jellyfish and it's mother is probably close by. I was getting really tired and Vince gave me a push. Hmm, looks like guys can still be white knights after all. We came out of it relatively unharmed except for bites, Vince had the most because he stayed behind me to make sure I got to the shore first (awww...). After the jellyfish attack, we headed back to the resort for a late big breakfast. We kayaked afterwards and we went to the big lagoon again because Vince and the other divers haven't seen it yet. He was my rowing partner but since we only had one oar, he had to do most of the paddling. Vince and I got into petty arguments there (again, the taking of pictures)but then again, it's just us. We have such opposing and strong personalities its impossible for us not to jump at each other for the silliest reasons.

So that was it, our last day in paradise. While being stung by millions of tiny jellyfish sucked, it didn't mar the experience one bit. I'm still pretty lucky I experienced so much beauty and wonder in one place and in three days' time. I guess I'm going to remember it always with a smile because in those three days, amidst all the awesomeness of nature, I never felt so much love. I can't wait to get all those pictures up. And I'd always have my jellyfish bites to remind me of that three days in paradise.

Full Circle

It's so strange how life sometimes works out.

One minute I was so stressed I was ready to explode from the burden of my work and then the next-- the chance to live my dream. To be a law student. So without a backward glance, I resigned. I turned a deaf ear to everything else but the goal I had in sight. I applied to a Ramon Magsaysay law scholarship. And three weeks later, I said hello to the future of a legal profession. I got the scholarship.

It was exhilarating and a little funny when I got the news. I was aiming to study in Lyceum in Makati, I had two job offers which are financially financially rewarding and it was in the area. But then, I got assigned to PCU. Philippine Christian University.

The name brings me back to a time when my goal then was to be the best courtside reporter I could be. But I gave it up when I entered the world of publishing. I thought that was the end of it, the euphoria of the NCAA, the camaraderie and the feeling of being a part of the team. It was hard letting go of such a good thing but since working for Hinge Inquirer Publications demanded total concentration, the memories slowly faded. Until now.

So here I am, an incoming law freshman at PCU. A full-scholar. I think I might be tasked to help build the student council. I'm a student once more.

The feeling of excitement, a little fear, a little anxiety is growing inside me as I count down the days to freshman orientation. My classes will all be in the afternoon except my Saturday classes so I'm still in the loop whether or not I'll join the workforce again or not. But anyway who knows? Life works in ways that are both strange and fascinating.

I've gone back full circle. And I wonder what's the next turn.

Bleached

At long last, GAME! Magazine finally decides to have an anime section! Too bad I won't be able to dip even a fingertip in it.

Yes, I still love anime and I'm 22 years old. I'm not an introvert, an outcast and neither am I your typical anime fan boy drooling over hot anime babes with mecha figures in their room. I just plain love Japanese animation in all forms and genres.

One anime I've been obsessing over is BLEACH by Kubo Tite. It's a story about a fifteen year old boy who has the power to see ghosts-- but that's just the beginning. Because of his powers, he encounters a surly female shinigami or Death God and to save his family, he takes her power & makes it his own. End of story? Nope, that's just the beginning and this anime is rife with the most amazing characters with great subplots interwoven in the main story.

There's a Quincy Archer (Ishida-kun I loooooove you!) who is the last of his kind, a busty redhead with a lethal flower pin and a smogasboard of friends, captains and vice captains and so many other minor and not so minor characters.

Like a rabid fangirl, I've bought all the episodes, created a fanfic, downloaded mp3s, I've dabbled and drowned in anything and everything Bleach.

So it's basically a knife in the back, heart, and gut right now that my magazine is featuring Bleach on our next issue, and I'm not a part of it.

Just wish I can live my life like an anime character in that series, I can probably just go to Soul Society or kick a bad-ass' hollow's rear just to release this smoldering frustration. Too bad there's no Ishida Uryuu in real life either but hey, that's  completely different story.

Drawing A Breath

My totally crappy week finally comes to an end-- and it's with me having a rather severe asthma attack.

I honestly can't remember the last time I had the "wheezing", the coughing, the clogged sinuses, it's been that long since I was at the mercy of my childhood illness. But here I am now, fighting to draw a breath without coughing in anybody's face.

I recently got an email from a college professor, at the end of her email, it was written down, "Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today." And the quote struck me like a lightning bolt. I haven't had many dreams as of late (except work oriented nightmares) but what I also realized is that I stopped being an optimist. I stopped dreaming. I stopped making plans and focused only on the bottomline. And I think that's what affected me the most. I was so focused on achieving I forgot to believe. I lived only through my work and not through my personal growth and happiness.

But with this realization, maybe now I can slow down. Not expect too much from myself. Not demand things which are quite beyond my control. Maybe now I can try living each day as if its my last. Maybe now I can stop and savor every time I draw a breath.

A Ten-Ton Weight In My Heart

Today is one of those days a woman would sell her eyelashes to never have.

Everything is going in reverse and a more brutal way of saying it is that this day just blew to pieces (of sh*t).

I can't wait to see what the third worse thing that can happen-- and so far, I've had about a hundred of those two kinds happening-- a client's budgetary deficit and disappearing possibilities. Professionally, I'm in the tightest pinch imaginable and will be cooked by management over grease and hot oil a few days from now.

But-- I do have an escape hatch. Unfortunately, it's one I can't take because I just bloody got regularized and my other tech team members are also resigning. If I leave there would only be two people handling three tech titles instead of the intended 7.

There is this ten-ton weight in my heart even after a wonderful weekend. This ten-ton weight is driving me crazy-- it's my work.